1.       Danzig’s tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.

2.       When the Boogie Man goes to sleep at night, he checks his closet for Danzig.

3.       Danzig does not sleep. He waits.

4.       If you can see Danzig, he can see you. If you can't see Danzig, you may be only seconds away from death.

5.       Danzig has counted to infinity…twice.

6.       Danzig does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Danzig goes killing.

7.       Danzig doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.

8.       In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Danzig, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

9.       Crop circles are Danzig’s way of telling the world that sometimes corn just needs to lie the f*** down.

10.   The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Danzig out. It failed miserably.

11.   Danzig drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

12.   There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Danzig allows to live.

13.   Danzig once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

14.   Danzig is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

15.   A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Danzig and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

16.   The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodge ball Danzig played in second grade.

17.   Danzig once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

18.   Danzig once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Danzig re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

19.   Danzig has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

20.   Danzig is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Danzig

21.   Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Danzig.

22.   In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Danzig could use to kill you, including the room itself.

23.   Danzig does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

24.   When Danzig goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

25.   There are no weapons of mass destruction. Just Danzig.

26.   Danzig once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Danzig won by 5.

27.   Danzig sheds his skin twice a year.

28.   Danzig once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

29.   There are no races or nationalities, only countries of people Danzig has beaten to different shades of black and blue.

30.   When Danzig falls in water, Danzig doesn't get wet. Water gets Danzig.

31.   Danzig’s house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.

32.   When Danzig has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.

33.   Danzig doesn't actually write lyrics, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

34.   Danzig CAN believe it's not butter.

35.   The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Danzig has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

36.   When Twist of Cain was played in France, the French surrendered to Danzig just to be on the safe side.

37.   While urinating, Danzig is easily capable of welding titanium.

38.   Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Danzig calls this "a slow Tuesday."

39.   Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Danzig to go around.

40.   Danzig doesn’t shave; he punches himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Danzig is Danzig.

41.   For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Danzig, each testicle is larger than the other one. 

42.   Danzig invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Jerry Only invented pink.

43.   On his birthday, Danzig randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

44.   In the beginning there was nothing...then Danzig looked that nothing in the eye and said "Do something". That is the story of the universe.

45.   Danzig has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.

46.   Danzig grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

47.   Archeologists unearthed an old English dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Danzig"

48.   Danzig ordered a Big Mac at Burger King…and got one.

49.   Danzig and Chuck Norris walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

50.   Danzig doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.

51.   The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Danzig. There were no survivors and the pilot episode tape has been burned.

52.   Danzig brings the noise AND the funk.

53.   You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Danzig will find you and kill you.

54.   Danzig can slam a revolving door.

55.   When Danzig is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them

56.   James Cameron wanted Danzig to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

57.   Danzig CAN touch MC Hammer.

58.   Danzig can divide by zero. 

59.   Danzig’s calendar goes from March 31 to April 2, because nobody fools Danzig.

60.   Danzig actually did s*** a brick.

61.   Danzig is what Willis was talkin’ about.

62.   Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Danzig has 72... and they're all poisonous.

63.   Thousands of years ago Danzig came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its descendents now have white hair.

64.   Danzig played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun…and won.

65.   Danzig is responsible for China's over-population. He played a gig in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.

66.   It's widely believed that Jesus was Danzig’s stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Danzig’s skin.

67.   Danzig did in fact, build Rome in a day.

68.   Danzig can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass…at night.

69.   'Icy-Hot' is too weak for Danzig. After a workout, Danzig rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.

70.   Danzig cannot love, he can only NOT kill.

71.  Danzig once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.

72.   If at first you don't succeed, you're not Danzig.

73.   Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Danzig.

74.   Danzig brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.

75.   Danzig wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.

76.   The Bible was originally titled "Danzig and Friends"

77.   Google won't search for Danzig because it knows you don't find Danzig, he finds you.

78.   Danzig can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

79.   It is scientifically impossible for Danzig to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.

80.   Danzig destroyed the periodic table, because Danzig only recognizes the element of surprise

81.   Danzig CAN judge a book by its cover.

82.   Q: How many Danzigs does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Danzig prefers to kill in the dark

83.   As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself...and Danzig"

84.   Danzig is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time.

85.   Danzig uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks

86.   The leading causes of death in the United Starts are 1. Heart Disease 2. Danzig 3. Cancer

87.   Noah was the only man notified before Danzig relieved himself in the Atlantic Ocean.

88.   Danzig was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.

89.   As an infant, Danzig’s parents gave him a toy hammer. He gave the world Stonehenge

90.   Most people fear the Reaper. Danzig considers him "a promising Rookie".

91.   President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Danzig carried his the same distance in half the time.

92.   Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Danzig is on.

93.   Danzig doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.

94.   When Danzig goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul.

95.   Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Danzig’s first visit to Tokyo.

96.   Danzig once rode a nine foot grizzly bear through an automatic car wash, instead of taking a shower.

97.   There are no such things as tornados. Danzig just hates trailer parks.

98.   The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Danzig’s former band mates as a good luck charm indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.

99.   The Drummer for Def Leppard's only got one arm, because Danzig needed a back scratcher.

100.      Danzig once rode a bull, and nine months later it had a calf.

101.    They say curiosity killed the cat. This is false. Danzig killed the cat.

102.      One time, at band camp, Danzig ate a percussionist.

103.      The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Danzig.

104.      Darth Vader wasn’t really Luke’s father, Danzig was.

105.      Danzig has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

106.      Danzig owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 2007 world series of poker despite him holding a joker, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades, a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card